I always wonder if I would be a
different person, more confident and resilient had I
been raised a little differently. Over fifty years
of child development research shows we may be making
a few minor parenting mistakes that could have major
impact in how our kids turn out. Here I give 5 major
parenting mistakes, their impact, and simple
corrections to turn them right. Research shows that
using these simples parenting techniques--the right
way--can help our children become more resilient and
confident, as well as better behaved
Mistake No.1: Failing to teach ‘Replacer’ Behaviours.
Instead: Show your child what you expect her to do,
to ‘replace’ the wrong behavior.
A big parenting mistake is assuming our kids know
what to do instead of the ‘don’ts’ we impose on
them. Don't assume! Instead, teach a new behavior or
skill to replace the inappropriate one. The result:
the child is less likely to repeat the mistake.
-
Show don't tell.
Your daughter is scribbling on the wall. Call the
behavior: “Don't scribble on the wall. It’s messy.
Then show the replacer behavior. “Lets get nice
white paper and draw on it. And then I can hang it
on the wall for you. Won’t your friends say that’s
nice?”
-
Redo the right way.
Your child whines. “That is a whiney tone. Listen to
my nice tone. Now you try.” Or "You can't grab, but
you can use your words to tell your friend you want
a turn. Let's practice a few times then you can use
it with her.”
-
Teach a new skill.
For a younger kid, say: "When you start to feel
yourself getting mad take big breaths.” For an
older kid, say: “Take a deep slow breath, and count
slowly to ten.”
Mistake No.2: Not Using the Right Words the Right Way
Correct: Be mindful of the result you are seeking
and your choice of words to achieve it.
Research proves our word choice can have a big impact on kids'
behaviors. Studies also show that the right words
said at the right time are more effective in shaping
behaviour than rewards. The problem is, too often we
use the wrong words so we get the wrong results.
-
Be specific and focus on the action (not
kid). Catching kids doing the “right” thing is the fastest way
to change behaviour especially if you use an
enthusiastic tone. It's the only way to teach a
child what you want her to do, and the right words
will help her discover how to improve her behavior.
Using “because” makes praise more specific so the
child knows exactly what you liked, and is more
likely to repeat the action. Switching pronouns from
“I” to “you” stretches a child's internal
motivation. Instead of: “I'm so proud of you.” Say:
“You should be so proud because….”
-
Don't praise intelligence.
A Columbia University study on more than 400
fifth-graders found that kids praised for their
intelligence--something they don't feel they have
control over-- are more afraid of failure, less
likely to tackle new challenges and feel more
pressure to perform. So comment on what they are
trying to accomplish. Instead of: “You're so smart.”
Say: “I like how hard you are concentrating.”
-
Emphasize effort not result.
A University of Michigan study found that parents
often praise the end product (the trophy, grade, or
score). By switching your emphasis on the process or
child's effort during the task the child is likely
to persist and succeed because he knows he has
control over the outcome of his success.
Mistake No.3: Setting Unrealistic Expectations
Correct: Use developmentally
appropriate, realistic, child and success-oriented
expectations.
Research proves that a powerful determiner of kids'
success is the kind of expectations their parents
set. Expecting too little limits kids' success
because they're robbed from trying new
possibilities. Unrealistic expectations are also
damaging like “Why didn't you get all A's?” “How did
you not make the team?” “You got a 98%- which two
did you miss?” and may be misinterpreted as, “You're
not good enough.”
-
Developmentally appropriate. Is your child developmentally ready for the
tasks you're requiring or are you pushing him beyond
his internal timetable? Learn what's appropriate for
your child's age, but still keep in mind that
developmental guidelines are not etched in stone.
It's always best to start from where your child is.
-
Realistic.
Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I
expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch
kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond
their capabilities. Be careful of setting too high
of standards. Putting your kid in too difficult of
situations, puts him at the risk of failing and
lowering his feelings of competence. Aim for “one
step more.”
-
Child's goal, not yours. Is what you're expecting something your
child wants, or is it something you want for
yourself? We all want our kids to be successful, but
we have to constantly be wary of setting goals for
our kids that are our dreams, and not those of our
kids.
-
Success oriented. Are you sending the kind of expectations that tell your
child you believe he's responsible, reliable, and
worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be
their best, so that they can develop a solid belief
in themselves.
Mistake No.4: Not Using the Rule of 21
Correct: Faithfully stick to changing one
behavior at least three weeks to reap results.
A big parenting mistake is, not sticking to a
behavior plan long enough. The result: No behavior
change. Changing behavior is a gradual process
requiring commitment and repetition. In fact,
learning a new habit takes around 21 days of
consistent work. By faithfully using the "Rule of
21" you're more likely to get the desired behavior
result. Hint: Watch out for a "backslide effect"
Just before behavior changes it sometimes worsens.
The child is testing so don't give in!
-
Target one behavior at a time.
You won't be so overwhelmed and are more likely get
lasting change.
-
Relay plan to at least one caregiver.
You'll get faster results being on the same page.
-
Track efforts in a calendar.
You'll “see” a gradual change that will keep you
committed.
-
Commit to 21 days.
Consistently stick to your plan for 21 days or
however long it takes!
Mistake No.5: Not Letting Kids Experience Failure
Correct: Stop rescuing so your child experiences
setbacks and learns from mistakes.
Swooping in to fix things robs kids from learning
crucial skills needed to handle life-like coping,
problem solving, and starting over. After all,
mistakes are a big part of learning and set backs
are inevitable. If a child isn't allowed to
experience a bit of failure or always expects Mom or
Dad to pick up the pieces he or she is more likely
to thrown when he hits those troubling issues in the
real world. Making things easier now just makes it
tougher later. Rescuing also undermines a child's
sense of competence, the opportunity to practice
bouncing back, and sets him or her up for
perfectionism. They are also more likely to give up
when the going gets tough.
-
Stop rescuing!
Vow to let your child learn to handle frustration in
gradual doses.
-
Give permission to make mistakes.
“Mistakes are how we learn.” “Everyone makes them.”
-
Model mistake making.
Share your own mistakes (within reason) and how to
handle them.
-
Teach problem solving.
“What do you need to do?” “What will you do next
time?”